In a surprising turn of events, Carleton President Steven “Stevie P” Poskanzer learned he will soon be forced to transition to college dorm life. Poskanzer, who has for nearly three years adhered to the long-standing presidential tradition of maintaining residence in Nutting House, has failed to successfully draw into his twenty-room home for the 2013-2014 academic year after neglecting to show up to room draw earlier this week.
Carleton administration, citing a rarely enforced rule dictating that the President must officially confirm successive residence in Nutting House prior to student room draw, released a statement late Thursday detailing the news. Housing Selection Advisory Committee chairman Patrick Gordon defended the ruling: “It’s plain and simple, really. If someone doesn’t come to room draw and doesn’t designate a proxy, he or she will be placed in housing only after all other students are housed.” He added: “We’re not going to create a double standard in favor of a particular individual who just happens to have a more widely-recognized title.”
Gordon had no choice but to place any un-housed Carls – Poskanzer included – in Musser doubles, the only remaining accommodations following the conclusion of Thursday’s room draw. The President will reportedly be living in Musser 318 next year. His roommate, an unsuspecting incoming freshman, will join him in the Fall. Though Poskanzer remains in denial about this reality, his roommate questionnaire, which should match him with a compatible peer, will indeed be late if not submitted by May 31st.
Initially, Poskanzer was not discreet about expressing his discontentment: “This is absolutely ridiculous. Nutting House has been my cherished home for the past three years, a place at which I’ve felt I’ve made a niche. And now I have to pack my bags because apparently I had to [expletive removed] draw back in? Absurd. This is the most embarrassing and infuriating moment of my life.” Throughout the course of the evening, he was heard to repeatedly utter under his breath, “I run this school.” While still obviously flustered, he regained some composure upon asking if he could still remain Carleton’s President while living in Musser.
Meanwhile, students who had actually showed up to room draw were astonished to learn that Nutting House was a realistic option for next year. Nutting House was immediately drawn by twelve senior men who referred to each other as “bros”.
Chase Gottschalk ‘14 was very vocal about his roommates’ prospects for renovating Nutting House. “Honestly, this house is just enormous. Finally it can be used for something a little less nerdy and a little more chill.” Flaunting a pair of pink-rimmed monoshades, he added, “We’re throwing down a massive party first weekend next Fall. Everyone’s invited! Wooh!”
Will Corcoran ‘14 didn’t offer comment, but instead affirmed Gottschalk’s sentiment by simply giving a confident and swaggering bro-nod. Michael Hovick ‘14 watched Corcoran and decided to do the same thing.
When asked about his feelings towards making Nutting House his home over the next year, James Neher ‘14 responded, “I’m super pumped to turn that place around. I mean, like, it’s gonna be a total bro-fest.” Donning a backwards LA Dodgers cap and orange-rimmed monoshades, he concluded with overly-defined syllables, “Hash-tag YOLO!”
Another bro, who spoke on condition of anonymity, exclaimed: “Nutting House? More like Nuttin’ to [expletive removed] with House!”
The bros immediately announced plans to coordinate FIFA videogame sessions in the portrait-filled living room, unhinge the French doors for biweekly beer pong tournaments, and borrow the esteemed Nutting Family tea set for Friday barbeque night.
When queried about his reason for being absent at room draw, the President claimed to have been “strategically planning something.” Evidently, that “something” was not his future housing situation. As of press time Poskanzer was reportedly looking out the northern window of the Sky Parlor, gazing sternly into his future – Musser 318.
***Significant Disclaimer: This story and all quotes are fictitious and were written by Naeh Klages-Mundt ‘14.
P.S. Come to open-mic night next Thursday at The Cave. Naeh’s there all night, folks.