Don't Touch by Anne Gresham

First of all, let me explain that I am not a criminal. I’d never done drugs, never run a red light, even accidentally, never received a speeding ticket before all this. I really couldn’t even tell you why I did it. I’d spent the last three years of my life guarding that flowstone from the toxic hands of tourists. I know the damage our hands do to cave formations.[1] I can point it out all over Mystic Caverns.

Like so many caves in the Ozarks, Mystic was used by bootleggers, and hosted huge, illegal parties during prohibition. I tell this story on my tour. That’s why it’s all stained black[2] and the formations don’t grow any more, even the ones that are still intact.[3] Pretty much all the life in the rocks has been stained out.

But on the lowest level, there was a construction accident while they were laying the sidewalk in 1985. I tell this story on my tour, also. A whole wall of curling draperies (or cave bacon, as we call it to provoke smiles from customers) tumbled down, and revealed a giant, sparkling mass of pure flowstone sliding down the cavern wall. Nothing else is white in Mystic – the popcorn, the columns, the stalagmites and tites, the helictites, and even our three cave blisters, found only in two other caves in the Ozarks region, are all sooty and faded. An undamaged cave formation, be it pure white calcite, or minerally enhanced red, brown, or even green aragonite or gypsum, should sparkle. And there’s only one place in Mystic where you can still see that.

I was just locking up the cave before going home – I had the deposit counted up and in my pocket, I’d watered the flowers, and cleaned the restrooms – and I opened the heavy door to the cavern entrance. Nothing else smells like a cave. You can tell whether or not a hole is just a hole or if it’s going somewhere, because this breeze hits you in the face, and it smells like stone and age. There should be a word that means stale and refreshing at the same time. And I opened that door, and it occurred to me that during a ten year membership in the National Speleological Society[4] and three years working in Mystic, I’d never been in a cave, wild or commercial, by myself.[5] And so I turned on all the lights and started down the steep stone stairs. [6]

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gone into Mystic without a tour group, and I told my own stories to myself and laughed at my own jokes as I walked. I gave a pretty good tour. I noted the immensity of the Pipe Organ, and for the first time in years marveled at its hollowness – it’s sixty feet tall, shaped like a jellyfish, and it’s completely hollow. I admit that I had the urge to strike it, to make its crystal sing, but soberly viewed the many slashes and scars from previous musical endeavors and kept walking.[7]

I walked under the helictite forest and grinned at them. Helictites are my favorite formation. No one knows how they form exactly – they think it’s got something to do with hydrostatic pressure and mineral impurities and so forth. Helictites look like snakes dangling from the ceiling – they twist and curl in gravity-defying frozen acrobatics and any cave with helictites is worth my time.

I circled the eighty-three foot tall column, staring up to the top appreciatively. I wandered through the ghost room, and tested the acoustic irregularity that throws a whisper from one side of the room to the other and back. I stared into the underground lake and lost myself in its amazing natural cobalt blue coloration. We call it a bottomless lake, because they haven’t been able to measure it.[8] I moved on into the Ballroom, the enormous, wide open chamber that they used to have dances in. Cavewise, there’s not much to see, but there’s lots of local history in there, which I don’t really care about but the tours always seem to love.[9]

And then I went down into the Snow Room.

The flowstone cascaded down nearly to my feet, and I slipped under the rail to stand in front of it, like I usually do with my tours. But this time I faced it, and ran through everything I knew about it. It was the only living piece of cave in Mystic, according to the survey from 1998, and it sparkled in the humming electric light. White calcite makes the difference between an average show cave and a spectacular one. Cosmic Caverns’ ratings were rock bottom until they discovered the new passage, and now it’s at the top of the list, and it’s all because of white calcite. It’s not rare or anything, just beautiful. And this slide was all we had.

My tour speech ran through my head – about how just one fingerprint coud ruin the glittery formation forever, and I thought about all the disappointed faces. I thought about how touching a piece of undamaged cave could immortalize you forever, how you could destroy something that much older than you, that would survive that many millennia after you were gone.

And I reached out my hand and touched it.

It felt wet and smooth, mostly like I expected it would. It wasn’t new enough to be really soft, like the stuff in Onadoga Cavern in Missouri that has footprints in it, but I think it gave a little when I pushed it.

Then suddenly I was in my car, and I felt sick. It’s a federal offense to damage cave formations, and breaking them can get you fined or thrown in jail. I tell my tours this. I could still smell cave on my hands, and I worried that Steve[10] might smell it too when I stopped by his house to give him the deposit money. So I stopped at the gas station on Highway 43 to wash my hands.

I scrubbed and scrubbed, but the smell wouldn’t come off. I couldn’t find any lotion or anything, so I bought a pack of cigarettes on the way out and lit one. I held my hand in front of the smoke until I was satisfied that the cave smell was masked, then I dropped the cigarette and turned to throw away the pack.

“Woa, what are you doing?” said a girl.[11] “If you’re just going to throw them away…”

“Oh,” I said, flustered. “Do you want them?”

“Sure!” She said with a bright smile.

“Um, ok,” I handed them to her. “I don’t smoke or anything.”

She offered to give me money.

“No, it’s fine,” I tried to laugh, realizing how ridiculous I looked.

She looked at me harder. “Wait. You work at Mystic Caverns, don’t you?” She glanced at my nametag. “David.” Head Tour Guide.[12] “Yeah, I’m pretty sure you were my tour guide.” She laughed. “Man, you’re really into caves, huh.” She put a cigarette in her mouth and lit it.

“Um.”

“I never knew it was such a big deal to touch rocks, you know?”

“Um.” I said, feeling shame leaking out of my sweat glands.

“Yeah, well, thanks for the cigs, maybe I’ll see you around sometime.” She grinned at me, like she was waiting for me to say something, but I just said, “ok.”

She turned around and walked to her car, but then stopped. A police car was coming down the road, and I forgot all about her for a second, thinking irrationally that it was coming for me. But then she ran over to me.

“Listen, my car is really making funny noises, do you think you could give me a ride home?”

“Sure,” I said, wanting to leave as soon as possible. She jumped in and we drove off.

“I don’t really let people smoke in my car…”

“Oh, it’ll be fine if I just keep the windows down, I promise. So just go toward Jasper on Seven, and I’ll tell you where to turn.”[13]

I was worried about getting the deposit to Steve, who was probably starting to wonder where I was, so I told her that I was in a little bit of a hurry.

“Oh, don’t worry, it’s right up the road. We’re almost there, I promise.”[14]

She was quiet for a little while, and I was making myself crazy trying not to look at her.

“Yeah, I grew up on Gaither Mountain.”

“That’s pretty far out there. Did you go to Harrison schools, or what?”

“Nope, my dad home schooled me. But I did take some geology classes at the university.”[15]

“Oh yeah?” She had this way of talking that made everything you said sound important and interesting. I guess I knew that people who talk like that are always really just talking down to you, but I wanted to believe her. “My boyfriend took a bunch of chemistry classes out there.”

“Oh. That’s nice.”

“Yeah,” she snickered a little bit. “I don’t think they knew what they were really teaching him.”

I nodded, not really knowing what she was talking about. She kept glancing out the back window – I thought it was just because she was nervous talking to a stranger. I was really nervous.

“So you grew up on Gaither. Isn’t that really close to Copperhead Cave?”

I nearly slammed on the brakes. “You know about Copperhead?”

“Yeah, we used to party down there al the time.”[16]

“That was the first cave I ever went into. It’s beautiful.”

“Yeah, although I didn’t think it was as pretty as Mystic.”

“Really? Mystic’s just so torn up.”

She shrugged in the corner of my eye. “Still pretty, though. Something can be torn up without being ruined.”

For a second I thought she could smell the cave on my hand, and I wanted to kiss her.[17]

But I didn’t say anything. I’ve never kissed a girl, and it didn’t seem like a safe thing to do while driving, anyway.

“So what’s your favorite cave?” she asked.

“Copperhead.”

She kind of laughed. “Oh, ok. Where’s the one you want to see the most?”

“Oh, that’s easy. Carlsbad. It’s in New Mexico.”

“Maybe we should go.”

“Man, that would be nice, but I don’t think-”

“No, really, why not?”

“Oh no,” I gasped when I saw the red and blue lights flashing behind me.

“Holy shit,” the girl breathed.

I pulled over, even though she was begging me not to.

“Going a little fast, there, huh?” The officer said.

My lip was quivering, and I couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard I tried. “I’ve never gone over the speed limit in my life,” I managed to squeak. I couldn’t understand why I wanted to cry.

The officer looked at me, and I guess he noticed my eyes watering. “Good lord, son, there’s no need to cry about it. I’ll tell you what, how about I let you off with a verbal warning. But these roads are so dangerous, I’d sure hate for you to get in an accident. Now you slow down, you hear?”

“Yessir.” He left, and then I couldn’t stop it. The girl was looking at me like I was a pork chop wearing a top hat, but I still couldn’t stop crying.[18]

“Um, David,” she said, and her voice was lower, didn’t sound as much like a movie script. “It’s…it’s really ok, he just gave you a warning.” She touched my shoulder. I guess I flinched because she pulled her hand back really fast.

“Listen, David… I’m pretty serious about going to Carlsbad with you,” her voice stayed low, but somehow got harder. I looked over at her, and saw that she’d found the deposit bag and had it unzipped.

“That cop could have done much worse things,” she continued, and her voice was reminding me of a nature program I’d watched – it had the rhythm of a swaying cobra. “Please let’s go to New Mexico.”

“I’ve never been in trouble before,” I sobbed. “And now, twice in one day!”

“What else happened?”

So I told her everything. About the cave, and the silence, and the flowstone. I figured she’d taken my tour, so she’d understand. But instead she looked like she was trying not to laugh.

“Yeah, well, I guess I understand that. But you could be in pretty big trouble if anyone ever found out about that, huh?”

I sniffed and met her eyes. “You wouldn’t tell anyone, would you?”

“Probably not. But it might not be a bad idea for you to get out of town for a while.”

I opened my mouth. “You don’t think anyone would find out, do you?”

“Well, if it really does ruin that flowstone, don’t you think someone would figure it out?”

“Oh no. Oh no.”

“I guess you’d probably get fired.”

I nodded mutely.

“And your boss might call the cops, if all that stuff you said about a federal offense is true.” She shrugged. “So I guess you’ve got a choice. Get out of town or go to jail.” She flipped through the wad of cash. “I don’t know. I guess it’s up to you.”

I started crying again. She looked concerned. “Damn, David, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy cry like that… you need a cigarette or something?”

I took one, because it didn’t really matter what else I did, since I’d already messed up so bad, but it made me cough.

She took it away from me. “Ok, maybe that’s not such a good idea. But I do know what will make you feel better.” She dug through her purse until she found a little glass bottle with some pills in it. “Here, take one of these.”

“Wh..what are they?”

“Um… they’re mood pills. They make bad moods go away.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. It’s like Tylenol for your feelings.” She watched me closely, and I could tell that she really wanted me to swallow it.

I laughed a little bit through my tears. “They’ve even got little bats on them!”

“Just for you,” she said softly. Then she looked at me hard. “You really don’t know what those are, do you?”

I shrugged. I swallowed the pill.

“Wait-” she said, and I said, “why?”

“Um, nothing.”

“I guess we should start driving again, huh?”

She closed her eyes for a second. “No. I think we should go for a walk instead.”

“Oh, ok.” Suddenly that sounded like an absolutely great idea. My legs felt funny, like they were wound up really tight, and I had this amazing energy running all through me.

“Ok,” she said.

So we got out of the car, and suddenly I saw the road like I’d never seen it before. I’d never noticed how sparkly asphalt is, and it reminded me of a coal black cave formation.

She nudged me. “Come on, we’d better get out of the road.”

It was such a funny thing to say, and I laughed.

“How’re you feeling?” She asked, and she looked like she wanted to laugh too, and that made me even happier.

“Great!” I almost yelled, and I hugged her, because I felt like it. “And I’m so glad you’re here.”

She grinned back at me.

“No, I’m serious,” I said, and I was really serious. “I can’t believe that I met you. I feel like you know everything about me.” My heart felt like it was racing, which normally would have scared me, but then it felt almost good.

“I’m glad you trust me,” she said, and somehow I knew that she wasn’t serious, but she looked so beautiful that it just made me even happier that she was lying.

“Just think, if I hadn’t touched that flowstone, I never would have met you,” I said happily as we wandered across the ditch and into the thick woods.

“Nope,” she said, and she was grinning too.

“Gosh, these mood pills really really work.”

“I know.”

“So you took my tour, huh?”

“Yeah. You were really different underground. You seemed so smart.”

I thought about that. “Yeah, caves are really the only thing I know about. I can talk about them all day, but anything else comes up and I sort of clam up.”

I couldn’t believe how green everything was. I told her how amazing colors were, and she kind of laughed.

“Hey David, you ever been in the Cave Mountain Cave?”

“Nope, why?”

“Because if we keep walking in this direction, we’ll be right on top of it.”

“Really?” I could scarcely believe that I could feel even more elated, but now it felt like my brain was about to spin out the top of my skull and fly away.

“Yeah, me and my boyfriend used to come out here all the time.”

She took my arm and steered me around an outcropping of rock. And I saw it, a gaping black hole, and I could smell it, and it smelled wonderful.

“Shall we?” she asked.

I nodded, happily, and got on my hands and knees to follow her.[19]

She had a little flashlight on her keychain, and after my eyes adjusted a little bit, it worked just fine. We crawled through a muddy tunnel for quite a ways before finally the ceiling opened up. The girl shone her flashlight around, and turned to me. “What do you think?” [20]

I mean, as caves go, it wasn’t all that great. There was trash all over it, and it was really muddy, but it smelled right and it sounded right, and I could barely contain myself.

I started giving her a tour, making up things as I went along. I told her that the helictite cluster I found in the back of the chamber was a group of petrified earthworms, that columns form because stalagmites get lonely,[21] that there were Indian ghosts in the cave, that there was buried treasure. Then I asked her what she’d given me.

“Ecstasy.” She told me, point blank.

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense.” Her face was suddenly a mask, and I felt sorry for her. So I told her, “you know, I used to have this pet garter snake named Gus. And I always felt so sorry for him because he’s a snake, and he can’t show anything. You know? They’re silent. Even if something’s tearing them to shreds they can’t make any sound to let anyone know about it.”

“I gave it to you because I’m going to take the deposit money and your car, and you’re susceptible enough on this stuff to let me do it.”

“But I tried to let Gus know that I loved him, even though I knew he could never show anything back. But I knew he liked it when I picked him up. You just know these things.” I was speaking too fast now, but I was scared she’d interrupt me and try to make me hate her some more. “And caves are like that, too, you know, with the silence thing. They don’t give anything away, but that doesn’t mean that they’re empty, I mean, look at this place – there are so many secrets in here, just like in a snake, or a person, and you’d never know it just walking over this hill.”

“David. You should not have picked me up. I am trying to be honest with you.”

“I’m trying to be honest, too.”

We stared at each other, and the flashlight’s beam danced around us, and made her eyes glow. They even looked like snake eyes when she said, “I stole that car I was in earlier.”

“I touched a cave formation.”

She looked frustrated, like she couldn’t see the connection. “My boyfriend makes meth, David. I help him sell it. I am a criminal.”

“Me too!” And once again I felt a rush of elation.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

She laughed, but didn’t sound happy about it. “Jane Doe.”

“Ok, Jane, let’s see what else we can find.”

“Let’s,” she said, and suddenly her mouth was on mine. The flashlight fell out of her hand, and suddenly there was nothing but darkness and silence and mud and her breathing, and it was more than I could take and I thought I was going to die.

In the dark, I heard her moving, looking for the flashlight. She found it, and suddenly the cave was much too bright. I could see that she was crying, and that she was too skinny. But she wiped her eyes and looked up, but in a cave when you look toward the sky it’s actually the ground. Then she looked at me again, all snake eyes.

“So are you going to give me the keys now?”

“Yes,” I said, and reached for my jeans pocket. They jingled and sparkled in the light. I handed them to her.

“And the money’s in the car still?”

“You’re very beautiful.”

“Yeah, thanks.” She started crawling away, into the tunnel. I just sat there – there didn’t seem to be much point in following. Then she called back, “I feel awful about this.” I realized she was being serious. So I told her that it was alright.

Then she backed out of the tunnel and stared at me. Her clothes were only half-on, and she looked very young. “David. You know you’re being screwed over, right?”

I answered honestly. “No.”

She came over to me and touched my cheek. It almost burned. “Thanks. And I really did enjoy your tour.”

Then she left. And I sat in the dark, wondering if that’s how the flowstone felt when I put my hand on it.