Real Things Are Better by Ben Hahn

It wasn’t as soft as it looked. I had one before, not a real live one, but that one talked to me, not out loud but inside. That one was named Kimpy, but he didn’t last. Mom said he was a cheap piece of crap anyway and I shouldn’t cry, crybaby, and that’s when Harvey left and Harvey is the one who gave me Kimpy. I don’t remember if dad was gone before Harvey came or not. Harvey said it was a dumb name and laughed but you can’t change names and it worked perfect anyway, K is for Kevin and Kimpy. Mom played with Harvey so I played with Kimpy and sometimes they would leave and me and Kimpy would have to watch tv all night. I thought dad might come but me and Kimpy watched for him from the window and it was nothing but dark outside and the street lamp across the sidewalk, and a car would come and I thought maybe it would come in our driveway but it never did, not until finally really late one did come but it was mom and Harvey and they fell on the couch and smelled funny and Harvey got angry because I wasn’t in bed but no one put me to bed so how was I supposed to be in bed. And he called me a crybaby and mom said don’t you call him that but he pushed me upstairs but I didn’t have Kimpy and I couldn’t breathe because I was breathing funny and crying at the same time but it ended ok, and mom got Kimpy and put me in bed. After that I got movies to watch on nights when mom and Harvey left me and Kimpy alone. Kimpy liked the ones with animals and he liked most of Bambi up until the end. He wished he could thump his feet like that and I said me too, but you’re ok anyway you got longer ears and you’re probably softer and he was ok with that. We said we wouldn’t watch the end again after the first time, we’d just watch the beginning again but when we got to the part with the fire we couldn’t stop. We knew what happened and we didn’t want to see it but we did anyway because what was the point in stopping now, because his mom was going to die if we watched or not and we might as well watch it with him. He couldn’t see us watch him but we did. And his dad showed up and told him he’d be king of the forest, which was happier than his mom dying, but Kimpy was still sad about the mom and didn’t care about being king, and I thought so too. When I woke up someone was carrying me upstairs and he smelled funny, but not bad funny, just I never smelled that before, and his arms were big and hairier than dad’s and he had a big neck but my arms were around it and it was kind of like a hug, not a mom hug but a dad hug and I could feel him breathing when he walked up the stairs, and I guess he brought Kimpy with him because in the morning we were both in bed. Mom was downstairs having coffee with Harvey and Harvey’s hand was on her shoulder and she was smiling at him nice and Harvey looked at me and told me that his little crybaby was crying in his sleep after watching Bambi last night, and he didn’t say it mean or anything but my throat got hard anyway, and I knew it shouldn’t because he didn’t mean it like that, but it still felt hard and I guess they could see it and mom said, Harvey, can’t you say something nice, and Harvey got mad and said I was just kidding around. And he got up over to me and looked in my face and said I’m sorry I was just kidding all soft and I squeezed Kimpy’s arm tighter and the lump didn’t go away even though I knew it should and my face was wet and I remembered Bambi’s mom and I really started to cry and Harvey said, I was a little crybaby when I saw Bambi too and I was even older than you he said and I shouldn’t of said anything but I asked when dad was coming back and Harvey stopped looking nice then and mom didn’t look nice either and I went to my room with Kimpy. We didn’t come back down till we were really hungry and it was quiet and they stopped yelling at each other any more, and it was just Harvey there and mom was gone. I asked where’s mom and Harvey said to shut up and I said I wanted mom and he pointed his bottle at me and told me to take my goddamn Kimpy upstairs and I was hungry but we went upstairs, and after a long time I was really hungry so I went back downstairs and I saw Harvey and mom in the living room on the couch but it wasn’t mom it was some other lady. And I shouted hey at them but they didn’t hear me and I shouted hey louder and threw Kimpy at them, and I shouldn’t of did it because they stopped and Harvey looked at me and said, you go upstairs right now and he picked up Kimpy and I said where’s mom and he said go upstairs right now or I’ll kill Kimpy and I started crying, and he said you little crybaby, I swear I’ll kill Kimpy. You go upstairs right now and don’t tell your mom a thing about this but I didn’t go, I just stood there. And the lady wasn’t happy and Harvey said he’d rip off Kimpy’s head and I couldn’t say anything but then mom showed up. And she said what the hell is going on Harvey, and Harvey wasn’t mean anymore for a second but then he got mean again and said well where the hell were you, and mom said, you get that whore out of my house and never come back here again, and he said you can’t go fuck a man and just leave me here and expect me to be ok with it, and she said I was talking to my husband, we were just talking, and she got all quiet and told him to leave now. And the lady left real quick but Harvey just looked at mom and didn’t say anything and then he walked towards me and I knew he was finally going to give me Kimpy back but then he stopped, and he stood there and he ripped off Kimpy’s head and ripped off his arms and threw them on the ground and wouldn’t of stopped killing Kimpy but mom hit his head and told him to leave and she kicked him and he pushed her on the ground but then he left. And all I could see was Kimpy was dead and I couldn’t stop crying. And that’s when mom told me to not cry, crybaby, it was cheap anyway and he was cheap too he always had been, but she was on the ground and I heard her crying too. In the morning mom was in the kitchen by herself and Kimpy was gone, mom must of cleaned him up, and I asked where’s Harvey, and she said he left and I said is he coming here today and she said no he’s gone, and then she said to sit down and have breakfast. And during cereal she said dad was coming back and I said when and she said in a couple days and I forgot about Kimpy being dead for a little while, but dad didn’t come all day and I got lonely. I said mom I want Kimpy, and she said I’ll get you a new Kimpy but I didn’t want a new Kimpy I wanted the same Kimpy, but he was dead. The phone rang and mom got it but she wasn’t happy and after a long time when she hung up she looked like she was going to cry and she said your dad’s not coming home, he lied. But I said you said he was and she said he said he was, he lied, and I said you promised and she said I never promised you anything, Kevin. Your dad’s never coming back. I said am I going to see him again and she said he might come see you sometime but not anytime soon, because he found a new home. And a couple days later, mom told me Harvey might come back, and I told her he couldn’t he killed Kimpy and she said you had to forgive people, and then Harvey did show up and he was smiling and patted my head and he had a big cage with him and he hugged mom and they looked happy. He said, look, a real Kimpy, and I looked at it but it wasn’t even like Kimpy at all. Harvey said, I got this for you because the old Kimpy fell apart, and I said, Kimpy didn’t fall apart you killed him, and I didn’t want his Kimpy I wanted my old one. And Harvey said this one’s real, real things are better than fake ones, but I didn’t think so. Harvey took the cage outside and put it in the backyard and told me I could play with my new Kimpy and he went inside, but mom stayed outside and said, things are going to be better now. Me and Harvey aren’t going to fight again, and Harvey’s going to stay, and we’ll all be happy together and I didn’t say anything and she went inside. I looked at the thing in the cage and it looked at me and it looked scared. Its name wasn’t Kimpy, it didn’t have a name. I opened the door and stuck my hand in but it didn’t want me to touch it, but I grabbed it anyway. It wasn’t as soft as it looked like it was and it wasn’t as soft as Kimpy, and when I hugged it I couldn’t squeeze it like Kimpy, and it didn’t smell right, it smelled dirtier. I could feel its breathing and its heart and they were both going a million miles and I squeezed it tighter and I guess it was too tight because it tried to jump away, but I had hold of it and it jiggled and finally got free, but I held its leg for a second and it tried to hop away but it couldn’t go very fast because its leg hurt. And I grabbed it and held it again, and I said, just stay still and you’ll be ok let me just hug you, but it wouldn’t, and it tried to get away again, this time it tried to bite my hand but I grabbed its head before it jumped and I threw it on the ground. It made a really high noise, almost like a baby scream, and it just laid there, and I said get up you crybaby but it didn’t move. I could see it breathing still and I stood up and pushed it with my toe but it didn’t move much, just a little bit and I kicked it harder but it still wouldn’t move so I picked it up again and I looked at its brown eyes, and it was looking back at me and its nose moved a little bit and I heard mom and Harvey laugh from inside behind me and I didn’t turn around and I just threw it back on the ground and it kind of bounced a little but didn’t even try to move and it made a little noise. And I knew it was dying and I knew it was my fault and I wanted to run and tell mom to come help me save it, it was dying, but I didn’t, I picked it up again and it was still breathing but not as fast but its heart was still going really fast and I didn’t see any blood but I knew it hurt a lot and I knew it was going to die and I didn’t want it to happen but it was going to anyway and I just didn’t stop and I dropped it back on the ground and it was crying again and I put my foot on its head, just a little bit, and it kept crying and I said stop crying but it didn’t and I pushed harder but not too hard but then I heard it crunch and I knew it was too hard. Its eyes were still looking right at me but I don’t think they could see me any more and it stopped breathing, and some blood came out of its nose and mouth and I picked it up and it was on my hand and it was a lot of blood and some got on my shirt. And I heard the car but I didn’t turn around until someone said Kevin, and it was dad, and he said what’s going on, and my face was all wet and I couldn’t breathe real good and I didn’t want dad to see this, I wanted him to see a good me so he wanted to come back and live here again, but I had it in my hands and some of the blood made its white fur all red, and then I noticed the lady next to dad, and her hand was on his and they just stared at me, but then dad yelled Cynthia, what’s going on out here, and mom and Harvey came out. Mom saw dad and said what the hell are you doing here you bastard, but dad pointed at me and they all turned and looked. And dad didn’t even come near me he just stared at me, and they all saw the thing in my hands and the blood and it was all over my shirt, and Harvey finally walked up to me and didn’t call me a crybaby at all even though I was bawling real hard, he said you sick little fuck what did you do, you killed your Kimpy. And mom and the lady and dad, they didn’t say anything but just stood there and Harvey shook me and nobody else did anything. And I guess he must of did it for a long time and he must of been yelling because when he stopped dad was gone, but I didn’t even hear him say goodbye.