A Mothers Story by Cassandra Scherr

I tell this story in the hope that these words will someday reach my children. I want them to know and understand the truth of their origins. I hope that despite how different they are, how different the universe envisages them to be, that they may find a bond as brother and sister. I hope that they come to understand that despite the circumstances of their births, I love them both very much and I wish them both the happiness that was stolen from me.

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The day my daughter was conceived was the beginning of the end. I was standing on our balcony gazing upon the gardens that lead up to God’s palace when Lucifer, her father, approached me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and whispered darkly in my ear, “You know, they say that it’s a honor for an Angel to be able to look upon god at all times, as he can constantly gaze upon us.” This was true, not all Angels could see Gods home from theirs. Lucifer and I were considered very loved by God. However, I could tell from his tone that Lucifer did not take this compliment to be a compliment.

Turning in his arms, I scolded him lightly “Do not start with that moody tone my love, you should be grateful for all we have been given. For all that God has granted us. He has been very kind.”

“Yes, my dear. God has been kind hasn’t he? Do you feel his kindness my dear? Do you feel that you have been fairly loved?” He stared down at me, his tone was bitter. I found myself unable to answer him, just like I was unable to answer all the other times he posed the question to me. Instead, I felt a pang of shame and slight revulsion for our home, just as I always did. His gaze shifted from me to glare darkly at the heavenly palace.

I then turned his face to mine, trying to distract him from his dark thoughts. I desperately wanted him to let go of his anger towards; God; it would only lead to disaster for us. His gaze turn soft and loving when he focused on me and I was once again struck by how beautiful he was. When trying to understand the nature of Angels, it is important to know that we do not look like anything constantly. Our appearance ever changes depending on whom we are appearing to and for what purpose. We do not really have wings either, though we appear with them to mortals as a way to convey to them what we are. However, we can achieve varying levels of beauty and Lucifer always appeared to be breathing takingly perfect, a gift God had granted him upon his creation. Of course, that was when Lucifer was God’s favorite. Back when I was a respected general within heaven’s army and God considered me just another Angel. Before Lucifer and I mated. Before the creation of the Son. Before God changed my purpose from warrior to the nursemaid of the Son. However, those thoughts are for another time not to be dwelled on. I am happy in my new position, happy to be close to the Son. I love my God as all Angels do.

It was not Lucifer’s physical appearance that made him lovely to me, but rather his eyes. The humans say that eyes are the windows to the soul. This is true for Angels as well no matter how our appearance changes our eyes stay the same; they are the only things that are truly our own. Lucifer had the deepest brown eyes ever created; they made him appear charmingly human, something that was rare among the angels. Most of us had eyes that were varying colors of red, violet, even orange. I was unique as well because my eyes were a vibrant yellow, I was told that it was like staring into a sun rise.

His eyes soften when they look at me as they always do. “Lilith, let me treat you as you deserve to be treated. Let me show you what it should have been like.” That is when Lucifer pulled me into his embrace. We made love on the balcony in the sunlight for all to see. It was only later that I realized that this act was his first act of war. It was not about all seeing, it was about God seeing, because just as we could constantly gaze upon Him, He could constantly gaze upon us.

When we finished, Lucifer smiled softly at me, placing my hand over my flat stomach. It was then that I realized I was pregnant; I smiled softly, joy filling my body. I felt loved, cherished; there was no anger and no shame, it so very different from before. It was then that Lucifer looked at me and said, “This child is a symbol of our love. You must guard her no matter what happens. Lilith, promise me. Promise me you will never let anyone, even God, destroy our love.” He stared down at me so intently there was nothing that I could do. I promised.

His smile turned grim as he said, “I want you to go to the palace now. Tell them that I was acting strange and you wished to be away from me to think things out.” He silenced me when I tried to question him. “You must stay at the palace until I come for you. Do not try to find me before that time. If you can’t do this for me, do it for our child.” He hesitated for a moment then said, “Remember my beloved, I love you above all else, even God. It is worth any price to protect you. Now go” I left without question knowing Lucifer would never have asked me to do this without good reason. Anyway what safer place for an unborn child then in God’s palace, and this way I could spend a lot more time with the Son, something I was always happy to do. I loved my God as all Angels do.

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The battles started the next morning; Lucifer attacked without warning and with great precision; he was the greatest General in the army of heaven, after all. Lucifer had managed to turn a third of the other Angels against God. Even in the Son’s playroom we could hear the whispers of my lovers words. He said that we were not servants to God; we were his slaves. He said that he treated the new humans better and more respectfully then us, his loyal “children.” He said how could we even be considered God’s children when he treats Angels as he treated my beloved and I. He said if God could treat us with such cruelty and we were thought to be the most “loved” Angels, that it was only a matter of time before God turned on the other Angels as well.

Lucifer had always been a passionate and convincing speaker. However, it did hurt his cause to have me sitting safely in the palace. Many wondered how bad could my treatment really have been, if I was willing to side with God, instead of my mate. They did not know or understand that I did want to be by my lover’s side but I had to protect our child, this was the best place for me and I wanted to be with the Son. I loved my God as all Angels do.

The battle raged on for months, bloody and horrific. Everyday more and more Angels died, their bloodied, near-unrecognizable bodies dragged within the palace gates. I checked every day, fearing that I would find my lover’s body and hoping instead: to find Gabriel’s.

Gabriel, another high-ranking angel, (though never considered as beautiful or as powerful as my lover) became the head of God’s army once Lucifer turned from God. I know he was secretly pleased. He had always coveted everything Lucifer had, including me. He would often come to me after the Son had gone to sleep wishing me to prove my “loyalty” to God. He never left satisfied. Why should I prove my loyal to him God knew of my loyalty! The intensity of these nightly encounters amplified until one day Gabriel and I came to physical blows.

“Why do you fight me, Lilith, I am now second only to God and we all know what your place here is. You should be happy to serve me, most would consider you stained with the taint of Lucifer.” He tried to pull me to him only to receive three-jagged cuts across his face for his effort.

“You know nothing of me or of Lucifer, Gabriel, and if you don’t want further injury it would be in you best interest to keep you filthy hands to yourself. I may be a caretaker now, but I was once one of the most feared worriers in “your” army, you would do well to remember that.” I hissed the words out angrily, clawing my hand at him.

“You are correct my dear. He would do well to remember that. Our dear friend Gabriel would also do well to remember his place.” Both Gabriel and I dropped to our knees, trembling at the sound of the cool tones of God’s voice.

“I apologize my lord” Gabriel stuttered like the bottom feeder that he was “for fighting within your home, but this underling was…”

“Doing her duty. She is not here for your pleasure. Whether you wish it or not. She is here as the guardian and caretaker of my Son.” God pulled me up to my feet and then hugged me to his side. It was strange, I know He meant this to be a comforting gesture but it always made me feel like a wellloved toy rather then a cherished individual. “Now leave my sight Gabriel and I best not see you near our dear Lilith again.” Gabriel retreated hastily.

I turned to God shivering slightly under his piercing gaze. “Thank you my Lord, Gabriel has gotten it in his head that I am a common whore. I to wish to apologize for fighting in your home. I never wish to harm or corrupt our…your Son.”

That was when He caught my face in his hand. “You love me, don’t you Lillith,”

“Of course my lord I am an Angel.”

“Do you love me above all else?” He started at me intently.

I hesitated for a moment then said “You are my God and I am your creation.”

“You do know that I love you, don’t you Lilith”

“Of course my Lord, you love us all”

“Yes, but I chose you specially. You are meant to be here with me and my Son. This is your propose. I don’t think I could stand it if you loved another more than me Lilith.” His grip was painful, bruising.

“Of course my Lord”

“Good” with that he kissed me hard, possessively and then left me standing in the hall shivering. Do I love my God as all Angels do?

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The times when I was not checking the bodies, I was with the Son. He always appeared to me as a small boy of about eight. I remember thinking that this was strange because he was not just the Son, he was God as well, He could be any age he wished to be. Yet I never questioned him, it gave me confront to see him as a child, as if I still had something to teach him.

Sometimes we would watch the battle from the highest tower of the palace. He said he wanted to do so because as God’s son he needed to know about these things. I think he knew that I wanted to get a glimpse of my mate if I could. However most the time we would sit in his playroom. There I would teach him about all the things in God’s kingdom and about the ways of heaven and earth. Sometimes he would lay his head in my lap and ask me to read to him. Often he would hug me and tell me he loved me. I told him that I loved him too. I did. I loved my God as all Angels do.

Then came a day that I would never forget. I was reading aloud to the Son but I know neither of us was really paying attention. The battles were close now, right at the palace gates. Despite all of Gabriel’s efforts, Lucifer and his army were pushing ahead. For every angel Lucifer lost, Gabriel lost three. The next few days would decide the winner, something all anticipated and dreaded.

It was that day the Son turned to me, he reached out and touched my slightly swelled stomach and whispered “Your daughter grows strong and well”. A feeling of dread seeped into me. I had taken great pains to insure that none know of my pregnancy, unsure of how a child of Lucifer would be treated.

“Relax dearest Lilith, you have nothing to fear, I will not tell anyone of your pregnancy and God the Father does not know about it. I assure you if he did he would destroy the child.” The Son laid his head upon my belly as if listening to the child within.

“Why? Why would he do such a thing? I would think that he would be happy that such love existed in his world.” I whispered while stroking the Son’s hair.

“I think you have begiun to suspect the reason for this already. God the Father loves you. “

“Of course he does, he loves us all”

“No. Well, yes, He does love us all, but he loves you.”

I was shocked by what the Son was trying to tell me, this just could not be “If that were true, why would he kill my child, my love?”

“The love that a God has for Hiscreations is a perfect love, just as God is perfect.. It comes without expectations and is unconditional and in some way it is always returned. The love between two individuals is not perfect. It is a trial. It is work. It is entangled with lust and envy and there is no guarantee that the one you love will love you back. This is a imperfect love and a perfect God can not understand it. He then treats you as if you are a wayward child hoping to punish you until you love him in return. He punishes Lucifer, because Lucifer is the one you love. It is the only thing he knows to do”

I was silent for a long time. That is why my God did all of this to us, to me, because he loved me in a way that a God was not meant to love. I felt tears burn my face. The Son reached up and wiped the tears from my face. “I want to ask you something very important. Something that I wanted to ask for a long time.”

“Of course my Lord ask whatever you wish” This was a much better. It is much better to teach the Son then dwell on a past that one has no control over.

“Why don’t I have a mother”?

I was shocked, panicked. This was not what I was expecting. It was too soon, I did not want to talk about this. I had the answer that I practiced a thousand times on the tip of my tongue, but the lie stuck in my mouth. Finally, I told him “Because you are God’s Son. You are God. A mother was not needed for your creation and you don’t need a mother’s love because you have the love of all the Angels.”

He stood and walked away from me his shoulders stiff in anger so like his father, then he turned to me. He walked right up to me staring into my eyes, “You’re lying!”

It was too like a conversation from another time, a conversation that now bubbled out of the dark recesses of my mind where I had hidden it away.

“You’re lying Lilith.”

“No my Lord, my God I would never lie to you”

I tried to push these memories back concentrating on the livid Son before me

“I would never lie to you my Lord” I replied “That is the reason you do not have a mother. Now why don’t we continue the story.”

The son snatched the book from my, hands throwing it across the room. “You’re lying, I do have a mother! You’re my mother.”

“You love him most. More then me, your creator your God.”

“I do love him yes. But, I cannot say I love him more. My love for him is different my lord, he is my lover, my mate”

I swallowed hard looking away “I am not your mother my Lord. I am merely your caretaker and protector.”

“How can you not be my mother? You gave birth to me.”

“This will not do Lilith. I am the one you will love most. I will have all your love and to prove that to you I have chosen you to bear my son”

“Please my lord I am honored. But I beg you choose another. There are many who are not mated. Who do not have the ties that I do. I don’t want a child who is not sired by Lucifer and I don’t think I could bare to have a child who does not see me as his mother. Your Son can only be yours. It will pain me too much my God. Please.”

“No I have chosen you. You will do this because you love me most of all. This is how it should be. Both you and the child will belong to me.”

It was then that I looked him straight in the eyes. It was like staring into the sunrise. “I am not your mother. I am merely the vessel your father choose to bring you forth. You don’t have a mother. It is the word of God!”

He staggered back “You never wanted to have me, did you. My father forced you to. I was just another way for him to insure your love and loyalty. That is what this war is about. It is not about Lucifer’s pride and vanity, as Gabriel says. It’s about his anger. His anger over the rape of his mate.”

I looked away again. “It was an honor to be chosen to be the vessel for God, how could such an honor be rape?”

“You know he did not need a vessal to create me at all.” I looked up and the child sharply. The Son smiled watery at me “He is God, he could have made me out of thin air. He chose you on purpose. He did this to you, to Lucifer on purpose. He thought that this way you would only be able to love him. But he was wrong, I bet you feel parts of how wrong he was even now.”

“I don’t understand my Lord, what do you mean.” I gripped the Son to me pulling him into my lap.

“A servant can not birth a King. Any child of the servant would be another servant. However, a servant can be created into a queen, then any child she had would also be royalty.” My eyes widened slowly comprehending what he was saying.

“My Lord you cannot mean that,”

That night Lucifer’s army broke thought the gate and stormed the castle. The battle ragged with new fever. I rushed with the Son to God’s throne room. It was the safest place for him. There we sat: God in his throne with the Son at his right, Gabriel on his left. I sat on the Son’s left sword ready to kill any who dared hurt him. He was my God I loved him as all Angels do.

Lucifer and his general burst inside. Lucifer looked as beautiful as ever but not nearly as pure, the blood and death of this war had changed him. I could tell that he was no longer the same man, warped by anger and hatred. Gabriel and his generals ran forth to challenge them. I barley remember that final battle, just the horrible end. It looked as if Lucifer would win. I could remember the joy I felt as my mate got the upper hand. He was going to strike Gabriel down, and then we would be free.

It was in that moment my head was jerked to the side and I felt a searing pain in my right breast. My world narrowed, I screamed. Lucifer looked over to me and cried out. He moved to aid me and in that moment of distraction, Gabriel ran his sword through his back. Lucifer fell. God pulled me to his side freeing the knife from my chest. Thank the Son that he did not hit my stomach. “Sorry about that, my dear, it was necessary. However, I know you understand and do not mind. You love, me after all.”

He tossed me aside; all I could do was lie in a pool of my own blood and watch my lover who was lying in a pool of his blood. The Son cried out and ran to my side, he did his best to heal me, but it is hard to heal a wound made my God, and the Son was so very young. I blacked out.

The next thing I remember was being at the edge of heaven. Once Lucifer fell, his army was thrown into anarchy and overrun. Those still alive were bound, kneeling at the edge looking into the unknown abyss. Lucifer was being held by God barely alive, hanging by his throat. His feet dangled over the edge. I cried out, I tried to help him but the Son held me back. “There is nothing you can do.”

I watched in horror as God told us to all see what happed to those who opposed his will. My mate looked over to me. He whispered that he loved me and was then thrown over the edge. Despite what they say, my lover did not scream, not when he started to fall, not when the flames reached up to him. Not even when he landed in the newly formed hell. Many did scream, but not Lucifer. He was brave like that.

Hours passed as all the Angels in Lucifer’s army were thrown into hell. I remember crying bitterly into the Son’s arms. I remember the disgust of the other Angels at what was happening. Even Gabriel looked mildly disturbed. Then I remember a hand on my arm. The Son pulled me to my feet, when had he gotten so big? In the place of my sweet boy was a man. He turned me to face the Father who was looking upon my tear stained face.

“You my dear made me very proud.” He turned to the other Angels around us “This young beauty remained loyal despite the greatest temptations and for that she will be rewarded.” He turned back to me. “For your loyalty I grant you a great honor. You shall remain at my side for all times as a protector of my Son, and my companion. You will be the highest Angel in my kingdom:” He tried to pull me into his arms but I stepped back. He still managed to catch hold of my blouse and in my haste to get away I ripped it.

There was a collective gasp as the swell of my pregnant stomach was exposed. I used that opportunity to step back beside the Son drawing my sword. I was prepared for this fight, to fight for what was my mate’s and mine, to fight for the symbol of our love. I had lost my mate; I would not lose another child.

“You are with child. It’s Lucifer’s, isn’t it?” God first looked confusion and then angry. The other angels backed away from us. “How dare you lay with that, that…”

“You mean my mate.” I was tired of this. I decided that it would end now. “The love of my life. Yes, I laid with him, and yes, I knew we had created a child. I love my mate. I am loyal to him and this child. He is the only one I will be a mate to, and he is the only one who wil impregnate me ever again.”

“Lilith you are one of my Angels. You love me and you will obey me. Now come here,” he offered his hand, “I am not angry, this has been confusing for you and Lucifer is very seductive. Come here and I will forgive you. You may even keep your child. You will be able to live with in the castle with quite comfort. All you have to do is come here and say you love me.” He smiled charmingly I could feel him trying to bend me to his will.

“No” I said with quite conviction, “Because of your actions, because of your rape. You have given me a power you did not mean to give. I now have a choice and I choose to not love you.” God looked taken aback; in fact everyone did. Even Lucifer had never said he did not love God. How could an Angel not love God? The Father’s face then twisted into anger.

“Fine Lilith, if you love your dear Lucifer so much you and your child can go be with him.” Then he stepped forward to strike me down, and I readied my sword knowing that this was a futile battle. Then suddenly the Son stood between us. His Father and both stepped back in shock. God was the first to recover, “You do not want to do this boy. Not for her. Not for what she protects.”

“No Father, you’re wrong. I will do this for her because she is my mother and I will protect my unborn sibling. It is what any good big brother would do.” Then he glanced at me, “ Run mother, you will only end up in hell if you are thrown from Heaven. But if you choose to leave of your own free will, you will end up on earth.” My eyes widened in shock “Honestly mother, did you really think only the humans were given free will?” Then he turned from me facing his father. It only took me a moment to understand his intention and then I was running. I ran to the edge of heaven hesitating for a moment to look back at the Son. He was locked in battle with the father who was trying to stop me. The Son’s eyes narrowed and shown like a burning sunrise.

I said the only thing I could say “I love you my son.” and then I jumped, throwing my body over the edge and into the abyss. I suspect that all the pain the Son later had to endure was in part because of his letting me escape. I have to live with that. However, despite all the pain my relation to the Son caused me, I do love him. I love my Son as all mothers do.

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In her time with me my mother always made sure to maintain that I was conceived in love. In my encounters with your little lackey Gabriel, in his efforts to well, kill me, he made sure to uphold that I was the seed of evil, that my conception was an act of war. Then I met you, dearest big brother. You who said that only I could decide what I am, that my blood and the opinions of others did not make me. Only I could do that or some cliché prophet shit like that.

Umm what else ... oh. You said that next time we met that I was not to intervene and that even though the events surrounding my conception were unsavory, that you did not hold it against me. Ha … that’s big of you, considering .

You know even though you do not hold the circumstances of my birth conception against me, I hold the circumstances of your conception against you.

Your conception that drove my father to the brink.

Your conception that broke my mother.

Your conception was what destroyed their relationship, their happiness, and my childhood.

Your birth that was forced on my mother. Then when she did decided to stop playing your father’s game, her name was taken from her too. Now she is knowm as Lilith the mother of all demons. Does anyone know for what she really is, Mother Earth a God in her own right. Nooooooooo, everyone asks why would God let bad things happen to good people. Why would God let evil into the world. No one considers that this is not “God’s” domain. No one sees that evil is a side effect of their precious free will. Whatever.

Anyway, the next time I tried to find you… you know… just to talk like normal siblings do, I found you dying on a cross and I wanted to help you. I could of, you know… helped you… I am the Anti-Christ. But, of course you already knew that. You had already made me promise to not intervene when we next met. I hate it when you do that…. I hate you. You and everything your father bred you to represent. But…I love you too you’re my big brother, how could I not love you. I think that is what I hate most of all. Anyway, this is rather pointless, seeing as it does not change anything. Maybe I need therapy or something. I guess I will see you at Christmas…. Um, I will try to have a gift this time. I know mom hates it when I just put my name on one of hers.