“What is this? Who are you?” Tommy shouted.

            My head lowered a bit as I replied.

            “Michael. Itsa rat.”

            “That’s a damn mouse! It’s not gonna work with a damn mouse!”

            I held the mouse by the tail at arm’s length. There weren’t a lot of rats or mice or anything around my house. There weren’t supposed to be. I’d finally found this one by the dumpsters behind the brown apartments. It wasn’t alive, and it was very stiff.

            “Why’d you bring this baby with you, Andy?” Tommy had turned on my brother. Andy snapped his head around to face me and spoke.

            “Put it on the table, Michael.” Andy’s eyes were big and his mouth was a straight line across his face. He looked like this a lot when he was with me in front of other people. He’d only brought because he had to. I didn’t want to make him mad. As soon as I put the mouse on the table in front of Tommy, Andy pulled me back to the wall by my jacket.

            “I’m 6,” I whispered to Andy.

            He shushed me and took a spot on the wall. I picked a spot next to him and fixed my coat. It was a little too big and Andy had messed up the sleeve when he pulled me so my arm was only half in it. I looked over at him to see if he would help me fix it. He just looked straight ahead.

            “m’not a baby.”

            I guess I was the littlest one there though. There were kids all around the walls of Tommy’s dad’s shed. I didn’t really know any of them. I think Andy did though. But I still wasn’t a baby. I didn’t think Andy would have brought me otherwise. And anyway, I had brought the rat.

            Tommy was definitely the biggest one in the shed. He was 12, and he was a lot higher than the table even when he sat down. It was a my-size table. I wondered why Tommy had a my-size table in his dad’s shed. It was hard to think that he had ever been small enough to need a little table like that.

            Tommy flashed his eyes around the room, still upset about the rat.

            “Who brought the rest? Put it up here!”

            Four kids shuffled forward, reaching into their pockets, each pulling out something different. A couple of already smoked cigarettes. A brown egg. Three yellow dandelion tops. A piece of long brown hair. I smiled. Even if my rat was a mouse, it was better than the other things. I bet Tommy could do the magic without the hair or the dandelions. But the rat was important.

            Tommy shooed the other kids away by waving his hand and blowing air through his teeth. It was an official thing to do, probably something Tommy’s dad does when he does magic. None of us were old enough to see the real magics yet, but Tommy had seen it all his life. He’d seen things we weren’t supposed to see. That’s what he was going to show us, the real magic.

            Tommy reached under the table and pulled out a clay bowl. It was a wet, red color. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. All of a sudden he let out his breath and his eyes snapped open. Everything popped, like a light turned on in a dark room. I could feel Andy jump just a little. He tried to stay calm but I knew he had jumped. My chest started getting tight, and I let out my breath. I hadn’t realized I’d been holding it along with Tommy.

            “Listen up,” Tommy said loudly, “These are real magics, my magics. They’re just as real as any magics. Which means if you tell anybody, anybody, about it, you know I can get you for it.” Tommy paused to let his words sink in. They kept going around in my ears. I thought of what had happened to the kids who had told somebody.

            Tommy slowly picked the egg up off the table with one hand and held it over the bowl. He stuck two fingers through the shell, and let the yellow drip out over his hand into the bowl. He dropped the shell in, letting it float on top of the goo.

            “This is life. Where life begins. It is the beginning.” The words shot through the air, like there was nothing to stop them. They sounded strong, like we could hear every letter on its own.

            Tommy picked up the cigarettes one by one and mashed them up over the bowl, the little black bits falling like pepper.

“This is the offering we make to the spirits of life.”

I’d seen Tommy smoke before. I wondered why he didn’t use his own cigarettes. Or where he got cigarettes from. Probably with magic. Before I knew what was happening, Tommy was slowly circling the hair into the bowl. I’d missed what he said.

I looked up at Andy.
            “What did he say?”

            Andy didn’t do anything, just tightened up his face. He might have been worried about what would happen if he made any noise. I pulled on his sleeve.

            “Andy.”

            He reached down and pinched my hand. I pulled away and held my hand tight under my other arm. I didn’t say anything. I just frowned and kept watching.

Next, Tommy reached for the dandelions, and bumped the table with his knee. Whoever had brought the flowers had been too scared to do more than put them on the edge of the table, and Tommy knocked them all over.

            “Shit!”

Tommy ran around the table to gather them up.

            “Shit,” I whispered softly. The word felt strong. I felt different when I said it.

            Tommy grabbed the flowers and put them in the bowl without saying anything else. My heart was beating really fast now. The only things left on the table were the bowl and my rat. This was the magic I almost didn’t get to see. Andy wasn’t going to bring me. He wasn’t supposed to, but he was supposed to bring the rat. He told me it was his turn to bring it. But Andy didn’t know where any rats were, so I told him I would find the rat, but he had to let me come. He had to say yes. Tommy knew how to make things happen if things didn’t go right.

            The rat was the most important part. I could tell because it was the last thing on the table, and because Andy had been so scared of what would happen if he couldn’t find one. The air felt like it was buzzing. The light in the shed had turned a weird yellow. Tommy reached into his pocket, and pulled out a metal nail. He put it over the rat, and slowly moved his hand down. The skin moved a little bit but held at first. Then, with a quiet pop, the skin broke and the nail went in. Tommy continued to push it down, the nail going farther and farther into the mouse. He held it up for everyone to see.

            “This part,” he whispered, “is supposed to be sex.”

            A shiver went around the room. We’d all heard about “sex.” Everyone said they knew what it was. No one really knew though. Not really. I didn’t. I knew it was another thing other people knew about. I knew Andy didn’t know anything about it. I thought about whispering the word like I had before, but this was the big part of the magic. It seemed like a bad thing to say.

            Tommy dipped the rat into the bowl, stirring twice in one direction, and then once the other way. When he pulled it out, it was wet with egg and covered with bits of cigarette and dandelion. Drips fell off it and back into the bowl with the rest of the slime. It seemed like we all stood there for a long time, like even if you looked at your watch it would seem like you had been there forever. Then, Tommy looked at me.

            “You brought the rat, you finish the magic.”

            Everyone looked at me. My heart beat faster.

            “Ratbringer eats the rat. Mousebringer eats the mouse.”

            I looked at Andy, but he just looked down at the floor. He hadn’t told me about this part. I tried to picture him eating the rat, but it didn’t make sense in my head. He never could have done it. Why didn’t he tell me I had to do it?

            “Come get the damn mouse!”

            Before I knew what had happened I was at the table. Tommy held my mouse right in front of my eyes. It stared back at me, its sharp little teeth pointing up into the air. If this was the magic, I had to see it. My tongue was dry as I opened my mouth. I thought I would smell the rat, but it didn’t smell like anything. I leaned forward and touched the wet fur to my tongue. Then two things happened very quickly. Tommy tried to shove the whole thing into my mouth. Then I threw up.

It went all over the small table and onto the floor. Tommy dropped the mouse, trying to get out of the way, but it splashed all down his front. There were gasps, a few groans, and what sounded like another kid getting sick in the corner. After a second I leaned back up and wiped my mouth on my jacket sleeve, and then wiped my sleeve on my pants. I could hear little noises all around the room, kids talking and whispering. I looked at Tommy, wondering if this had been what was supposed to happen all along.

“You damn, shit kid!”

Maybe not. Tommy stood very still, arms away from his body, as moving even a little would make it even worse. A few kids had already left the shed, and now more and more started to leave. It was my fault. I had ruined the magic. Whatever I had done I had done it wrong. I thought about finding the mouse, trying it again, but I decided not to. It was getting warm in the shed, and it was starting to stink.

I walked outside and saw Andy waiting. I walked over to him, and we stood there in silence. He kicked the side of the shed and started to walk away. I followed along side him back towards home. We were still quiet.

“You should’ve told me about eating it, Andy.”

Andy stopped and turned, looking straight down at me.

“It wasn’t nice, Andy.”

He threw out his hands and pushed me to the ground. He knocked the wind out of me, and I wriggled around on the ground until it came back.

“I wish you were dead!” he screamed. With tears running down his face, Andy started walking quickly back home and left me behind.

I sat for a while on the ground. I wasn’t crying or anything. I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t do anything. In fact, there weren’t any thoughts in my head. The air was cold on my face, but my jacket kept the rest of me warm. No one else was in sight, taking different ways back home. There were no clouds in the sky, no wind either, and the sun made long shadows down the sidewalk. My mouth opened almost on its own.

“Damn.”

            The word just came out. That feeling from the shed came back.

            “Shit.”

            I felt big. I felt solid. I took a deep breath.

            “Sex.”

            I smiled slowly. I stood up, patted the dust off my pants, and started home. I took big steps down the sidewalk.

“Damn. Shit. Sex.”

I kept repeating the words, one with each step.

“Damn.”

Step.

“Shit.”

Step.

“Sex.”

Step, feeling stronger each time. As I turned the corner onto my block, I saw Andy way down at the other end of the street. From where I was, he looked very, very small.

“Damn”

Step.

“Shit.”

Step.

“Sex.”

Step.