On the Commutative Property in Texts by Corley Miller
(For John Bonham)

Karina,

Do you remember the night when I was visiting you + we played the game whose name I have forgotten – it was a little like hockey + we were in our shoes out on the ice + I was falling over every time but learned to hold the stick well in my long arms + we went sledding afterwards on the big hill + afterwards we were down in the snow together + your roommates little sister was there + we rolled in the snow for the first time that whole weekend + the last, because it was too cold + the little sister was there + there was snow in your collar, darling + I watched the last time we rolled when we were both breathing hard with our noses which were red from the snow as the snow rolled down around in your collar + fell out onto my neck + bounced from there down into the snow + we were kissing + that was the last time you were ever in love with me?

I am writing to you now because I was out yesterday night with Isaac who you do not know + Eli who you do because you met him a long time ago + Isaac has a beard now – you did not know him when he did not have a beard so I guess that is not important to you + anyways we were drinking with each other + we were at the bar + there we were + Isaac was stroking his beard + we were talking about getting married + Isaac said he was just having fun until he found a good wife because he was already going bald + it was only going to get harder + he lifted up his hat + showed us his head which we had not seen for a long time + it was true + his scalp was pushing back into his hair in two long salients on each side of his face + he put his hat back on + looked like Isaac again + we kept drinking + he found a girl later + played pool with her + reached around her to help her hit the ball sharing their arms together + the bar lights were low + shone on strange parts of them + later I was at home this morning I was at home + it occurred to me that we are living in America + you are given as little as twenty-one years with hair on your head + then you wear hats for a while maybe to hide it + after that your life may as well be over + I have a machine which I can put my dirty clothes into + they come out clean + I have a machine which I can put my dirty plates into + they come out clean + I have a machine which I can step into with my dirty body + it comes out clean – I do not have a machine which I can put my past into + it comes out clean + I cannot put my soul into any of these machines which make things clean + If I did I would not know what kind of detergent to buy + where we do not have machines we must still perform actions + I remember when I was a white thing + we rolled in the snow + everyone was young + you still were in love with me + I think I intend to say that I regret that – not in the way that we regret things we have done + wish we had not or in the way we regret things we have not done + wish we had – instead in a different way which I am sure has been experienced before but not by me, because I regret nothing about it except that it too was only something which happened at a point in time + was always seeking to escape from us, as events are + we knew the whole time it would get away one day + I regret that we could not hold on longer + I regret the way things happened because they could have happened a million other ways + if we were the only two people in all of history + if you were every woman + if I was every little boy that would still not be all the ways that it could have happened + I am jealous of everyone because their life is different from my own + I will never know it – specifically I am jealous of you because you have been with you the whole time + I have not been + I am jealous of my other selves which are still in love with you + this is not the same as saying that I want you to be in love with me again + this is not the same as saying that I want me to be in love with you again – it is the same as saying that I am in love with the memory of our love + Isaac made me think about that for the first time in a long time yesterday + that is why I am writing to you now.

In high school Karina I knew a girl who still thought of herself as a gymnast even then – she was more popular than I was + I was not friends with her + I never went to her house – I saw her at someone else’s house who was also a gymnast once + they were lying on the bed + looking at all the posters of girls with short foreign names wearing very tight clothes + looked very young like this girl who was small + muscular – not small enough or muscular enough for it + I could tell in strange ways that she remembered the sport well + cared in remembering + in that sport there is the idea of perfection + it is a base-ten which is also somehow a binary idea of perfection + no one is perfect in that sport – they believe that it is possible to be because once someone was told that she was + I think it was eating her up thinking that there was such a thing as a perfect series of motions or a perfect routine + later she dated a boy who was fat + we were not sure why + I might have had a crush on her – she was not whole enough quite for me to convince myself of it in the way which I have always had to convince myself of love + sometimes I am convinced that there was a time in my past which was perfect + other times I am convinced that there is something infallible in the past + other times still I am convinced or I convince myself that it is you who is the pope in my past – I do not really believe this + these are thoughts + convictions that I need to leave behind me – I do not want to go to the part of your past which is hell + I know that all of us are judging constantly those we know + what they have done + I would like to tell you what I did that night + explain to you that it was all a mistake + I did nothing but look at the stars + have a dream + even the dream was after you had thrown me out + I have never understood why the past is in that shape for you + I + that is another reason I am writing to you now.

I owe you a confession of some kind. This summer I was in Ireland + I was in Dublin for a few days + we went out to the country for a little while + drove around in buses + I have never seen such hills as those + I was strong then + I remember the long blue-blown lakes which were restless among the mountains + cold with European people coming out of little cars + walking swiftly towards the swiftly blowing waters + sitting beside them + not waiting – this memory too is treacherous + perhaps they were in a different way + perhaps they were not Europeans – other kinds of people doing other things + I have only chosen to remember it this way + perhaps there is another secret behind that memory which I do not or will never know + it is that secret which I would like to confess to you – instead there is this story + I stayed in a hostel for a few nights + it was in Galway + the names of the road were too long for my memory + they ran all the way across my head + still were longer + did not stop + I could not fit them in + I also could not fit in the heat or the color which seemed to be in pain the whole time from the heat + about to burst from it + one night I met a girl who reminded me of you – I am not going to tell you why that is – you probably know why that is + she was a good girl or was good to me + we drank Guinness for a long time + it is a cliché I know + when we took a walk + I saw her silhouetted against some fens I was drunk + said your name + she turned + looked at me + I looked away + she looked away too + when we were done looking we kept walking + it was as it was before + later the whole time I was thinking of you + she did not know – I knew + you did not know – I knew + I have felt since then that it was a kind of crime + these thoughts have been walking very slowly through my mind for a long time + perhaps it is only now that they have arrived at my head + been prepared to be spoken or written or to exist as things + this too is a process of creation – I have felt since then that it was a kind of crime which I was committing against you or against a metaphor for you or against the little version of you which I have been keeping in my head since then + always will which is not you but similar perhaps + perhaps there is no worth in these words + you + I alike will die + all else – this is what I have decided to do + I would like to apologize to you for thinking of you while I had sex with an Irish girl a long time ago + I hope you will accept my apology because you were not even there + I did not have to tell you.

I have reread the last two paragraphs + they are good paragraphs + they are true + they are things which I would like to say to you + they are clean + simple – they are irrelevant as well + they do not matter not so much + as paragraphs perhaps they are perfect – as a letter this has not been – I have not been able to escape the sensation that it was that which you were eventually objecting to + that it was that I was not perfect + that you had decided this + were waiting for a moment of action + I know you are a perfectionist + it was always something I liked about you – it made me feel inadequate as well + I was always afraid I would fail at something + you would abandon me immediately + I would not know + I would receive notice later in the U.S. mail in the form of a letter which informed me of my transgression + there would be black + white photographs perhaps of me in the act of failing + an address to which I could address my payment or face suspension – I have been waiting for that letter for eight months + I have learned that if you wait eight months for something it is unlikely to happen + so this is my letter of inquiry Karina + I suppose that now it is the time for me to explain to you why I do not understand why we are not in love any more.

My earliest memory of that weekend is the way I woke up to catch the plane + it was a weak sun which was coming through to me + the room was the exact color of the walls + I reached up + pulled back the blinds + then I saw the sky + there was nothing in the sky + it was only a color + I was so excited that that was the same sky you might have been seeing – I was afraid too because it was vast + my earliest memory is of a woman coming to my parents house + at the time it was my house too + she was there to remove their tattoos + I was certain she was going to hurt them + she was a gross old woman + I wanted to defend them + they stayed out on the porch with me in turns + inside she did whatever it was that she did + then it was over + we were watching the dusk asserting itself outside + then it was over + then she left + my parents were the same as they had been before + I have always remembered that – I was not thinking about it as I got on the plane to come visit you + I was also not thinking about it on the plane or when I was at the airport or on the bus west + I did not think about the whole weekend really – it must be important if it is my first memory.

There were some things that happened on Friday night – I do not remember them very strongly + they are not what I am writing to you about – I loved you very much on Friday night + sensed that you loved me very much too as we were eating the Eritrean food in the little restaurant + picking it up in sourdough crepes with our clean hands + putting them in our mouths with our clean hands + at the end of it our hands were dirty + we took turns washing them + walked kissing through the streets.

Then on Saturday I woke up + I was lying next to you in the sheets + I remember this too + I could feel your side against mine + as you awoke I closed my eyes + could feel you – you were moving your arms + head too + I could not feel those with my flesh – in the way the sheets moved over me I could tell exactly how you were moving + it was beautiful + I lay there in awe + eventually we awoke + brushed our teeth + everything + then the day began + we ate lunch + we went out + ate dinner + then we were finished with that + finished with this + finished with the other thing + the day was in front of us + was like a painting we had just completed + were watching dry + we looked out the window of the restaurant + there were red-faced people walking past + their breath was thick + billowed out in front of them + rose up into the sky + we were watching together + I looked at you – it was not like other times I have looked at you because you looked different + I had a hard time remembering who you were for a second + could only look at your face as an esthetic object + not give it a name – then it passed + I remembered it was you – that was terrifying.

We left dinner + went back to your room + were just falling into bed together – your friends came knocking on the door + wanted to play that game whose name I have forgotten + so we went + played + I am sure you remember this + I am sure you remember going sledding afterwards because I remember it so well + I am convinced that we must share a memory – perhaps we do not + perhaps that is a fallacy + perhaps I am dividing by zero or perhaps I have forgotten some mathematics – I do not believe these things to be the case + I am sure you remember it well.

We went to a party later that night + I am sure you remember because on the way the stars were shining very brightly + so was the moon + the lamp posts at your college, which lit up when we walked beneath them, except for some of them which turned off + left us alone in the dark + the stars + you told me what kind of a party it was we were going to + how it was downstairs in someone’s house + they were good people + friends of yours – there would be a lot of people you didn’t know there too + eventually we arrived + I was a little cold by the time we arrived + happy to get inside + I do not remember the entire party or not chronologically – I remember certain things about it + I do not understand what about them made you so angry later + I have known some math + I have known some science + I too believe that things are caused – not infinitely caused – caused at least in part + I believe that you believe this too or live as though this was true + to live outside the law you must be honest says the song + so I believe you were right + have believed it + lived for a long time afterwards in a guilty place in a kind of prison + believed I had done something horrible – did not know what it was or even what category it belonged to + that was a bad place + that was a bad life + I have recovered from it + taken a kind of fatalistic attitude + it is part of the tragedy of our existence perhaps of the rules of the causes more than of the causes themselves + perhaps it is a structural thing + perhaps it was because I hurt my ankle in high school or perhaps it was because I am a fool – these ideas will mean even less to you than they have to me + so I will tell you what I remember + I wish – do not know for what it is that I wish – I wish something were different + these are the things I remember + the way I remember them.

I remember the music they were playing which was: ba ba ba ba ba da dad um + we’re north Americans + a chorus which was like that + I remember how the people were dancing which was: fast + intent + how the one girl had her hands on the wall + was pressing back + how the other people were looking + were not looking + I remember the corner with the drinks in it which was: dark + wet + smelled like a lot of things + I remember the doorway between the kitchen + the big room where they were dancing + how you could not walk through that door because there was always a couple there standing + talking + looking angrily at me when I walked past + every so often that couple would go upstairs together + another would come + stand on each side of the door + I remember watching them lean towards each other + the cups bottoms which were white + reflected the red stuff they made for me + I remember the people I met there + I remember the short boy who danced a lot + a few girls + one short brunette girl I met who made me a drink + plays the piano like me + had blood-dark lipstick I remember sitting on a couch with you + drinking together + looking at your legs + thinking that you had the hottest legs I had ever seen + I was drunk.

+ then one of your friends started throwing up + you felt like you had to help her + you went out to help her + told me to stay there + I was alone + I was drunk + there were a lot of things I was not sure about + after a while the brunette girl came up + introduced herself + she was very nice + had to stand very close to me because it was so loud + we talked about some things for a while + she got me a drink or two + I was waiting by the door for you for a while – you did not come back + someone asked me to dance + I decided it was not such a bad idea to go + dance + I danced for a long time + I looked up + I was dancing with the brunette girl + felt ashamed of it + wished you were there + was heartsick – you had not come back + she was very serious about dancing with me – I was very confused because you were not there + I was noone there without you + was there because of you + she did not seem to understand this – I could also not tell her for various reasons + so I stopped dancing with her + went + sat down for a little while + thought about going outside – as I was on my way out she found me again + started talking about playing the piano + I do not remember this well – we were leaning against a doorway somewhere + people kept walking by + interrupting our conversation + I was tired + felt a little sick too + wanted to go out + you were still not back yet

+ then someone walked by + told me there was an eclipse occurring + I had to go out + see it immediately + me + one or two other people went upstairs + went through a bedroom + out onto a balcony on the second floor + looked at the eclipse together + it looked very strange like someone had poured coffee into the moon or blood + we watched it for a long time + I imagined the earth + the moon rolling over and over each other + darkly entwined forever – to no end + this eclipse was an act of betrayal against that sun which lights them both + I do not remember all of this + it was very cold + we had to go inside + look through the window at the moon + I was not always looking at it + I would turn away from it because I was bored + after a while turn towards it again + find that it had changed + that it was darker now + finally looking back I saw the white glare on the side of it + I told whoever I was with to look + they stopped whatever they were doing + looked + we looked for a while + then it was over + the shadow of the one thing moved off of the other + I do not believe anything else happened – I was drunk + it was very strange because my whole body must have been watching the moon because when I came back inside I was very tired + felt drained + was sweaty – felt better too + we all came down the stairs together back into the party + I had forgotten about you + there you were + I was glad to see you I think + you looked at me strangely + wanted to leave + there was nothing left for me to do at that party + so we left + went home + just after we got there I had to go to the bathroom + felt that it was very important that I go to the bathroom + so I did + came back

+ I came back into the room + you asked me where I had been while you were with your friend who needed help + I told you the truth darling that I had been looking at the eclipse with some people + you came close to me + breathed in with both of your nostrils + I heard the singing stars + your room was like a fireplace + you breathed in + brushed your hands around my mouth + I began to kiss them – you took them away fast + there was something on them I had never seen before like dry pale cake blood + you smelled that hand too + frowned at me + I was very sad then + it was Friday night + you left the room + I was still there + looking at the moon again but not like I had been before + you did not come back for a long time + I was tired + the room was cold + I went into your bed because you were not coming back + I was drunk – the sheets were clean despite me + I crawled in there taking my shoes off + must have fell asleep + I woke up + you were screaming + you were so angry with me + there I was falling out of your bed suddenly + I was so sad + you chased me out of your room + down into the cold world + I walked there for what seemed like many hours, thinking of you, out onto the little islands + around the mazes, + stepped in the bootprints in the snow + walked back across the campus to where we had played on the ice + sat down on it + punched it twice with my other hand + then looked up + saw some of the little windows burning around me but mostly saw how empty the world was + the hot circles the lamps were making + the memory of the starlight still sinking in to this earth + then walked slowly + coldly to one of them + there was a young couple going out of it who looked so beautiful together that they made me feel how heavy my body was + how massive the earth + how they loved each other + were not loved, + they let me into the dorm + I found a sofa on the bottom floor + slept the whole night by myself on the couch rolling over + rolling back over to the other side

+ had a dream with a gorgeous little brunette girl in a small room with a night-bright window who took me in-to her arms desperately + deviously + had shining teeth the whole time like they wanted to eat me up + whose hands were small + strong + cold at first + then warm, who was cold at first + then warm, she, who clung to me for the whole dream + let go when I was empty + put me out of her bright dark room + back into some other world where I awoke in the pounding night + looked around me but you were not there + noone else was there + I was alone + I was alone.

So that is what I remember of that weekend + what I am able to reconstruct + I am sure there were other things too + perhaps you were upset with me about something I had said at dinner on Friday or sometime when we were not together + this ought to be a climax + I should write with great power + great fortitude + this letter which has been a love story should rise up into itself – instead I only feel exhausted + instead there are only these words + I am too conscious of them now so I will close my eyes and think of you for a few moments + then write some more.

- it would only be another kind of theatre + I owe you better than that. I hope that you are well + that you understand these things better than I do + if you do please let me know. It would mean a lot to me.