Benton House is at it again. Known for bringing a daily dose of fantasy and sci-fi nerdiness onto campus, the Bentonites recently held a competitive reading of “The Eye of Argon” — possibly the worst science-fiction story ever written. But a competitive reading, you might ask. Indeed, the writing really is that bad and the goal was to read a full page out loud without cracking up.
“The Eye of Argon” is a novella written by Jim Theis in 1970. It’s a work of fan fiction resembling Conan the Barbarian novels that appeared in the journal of the Ozark SF Society. To give him credit, Theis was only sixteen at the time. The work has been passed around in science fiction circles ever since, celebrated for its badness.
Here's just a taste of the text:
A ball of feral red was rising through the mists of the eastern horizon, dissipating the slinking shadows of the night. A coral stood before the pair, enclosing two grazing mares. Grignr reached into a weighted down leather pouch dangling at his side and drew forth the scintillant red emerald he had obtained from the bloated idol. Raising it toward the sun he said, "We shall do well with bauble, eh!"
Carthena gaped at the gem gasping in a terrified manner "The eye of Argon, Oh! Kalla!" At this the gem gave off a blinding glow, then dribbled through Grignr's fingers in a slimy red ooze. Grignr stepped back, pushing Carthena behind him. The droplets of slime slowly converged into a pulsating jelly-like mass. A single opening transfixed the blob, forming into a leechlike maw.
The story goes on for 49 pages in similar fashion. Most participants had a difficult time getting through it seriously. Pronouncing all the spelling errors was mandatory, and rushing through the text without thinking about what you are saying was forbidden. The prize for anybody who succeeded in this challenge was a chocolate bar located in the Benton House lounge.
Joe Glasrud '07 started first and got through a whole page immediately. He attributed his success to his days working as a radio announcer. Other people in the circle did not do so well. Whenever a person burst out laughing, they had the pass the story to the person on their right. Some only get through a few sentences, especially when reading through the part about the “many-fauceted scarlet emerald.” Some people attempted meditation beforehand to compose themselves, but with little success.
By the time the last student finished reading (Grignr slings his fainting wench over his shoulder and rides off into the sunset), a great deal of insight was gained about how bad writing works. As Carol Drysdale ’08 noted, “Just because it’s grammatically correct doesn’t mean it isn’t an egregious misuse of the English language.”
Here are some agreed upon guidelines for truly execrable prose:
• If you can say something in two words when one word would be adequate, use two.
• Eyes are never just eyes. They are either “organs of sight” or “orbs.” Ears are “hearing organs.”
• Throw in cliché characters for your hero to run into.
• If it needs spicing up, add more adjectives and adverbs.
• Don’t bother reading back through your story for typos or spelling errors. If your readers can’t understand what you meant, they’re not smart enough to be reading your story anyway.
