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What's an Escape Mutant, Anyway?

June 7, 2008 at 10:23 pm
By Margaret Taylor '10

The Noon News Bulletin, everyone’s favorite lunchtime eye candy, was wild and wacky as usual this term. Carls begged their peers to return lost jackets, advertised their haircutting services, and educated us with useless facts. Here are some of the highlights: A noteworthy trove of useless facts/opinions, including these gems:

USELESS FACT: More than 2,500 left-handed people a year are killed from using products made for right-handed people.

USELESS FACT: To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.

USELESS OPINION: Telephones make terrible cookie cutters.

USELESS FACT: The San Francisco cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

USELESS FACT: You lose enough dead skin cells in your lifetime to fill eight five-pound flour bags.

USELESS FACT: Any free-moving liquid in outer space will form itself into a sphere because of its surface tension.

Students were on the hunt for the darndest things:

MC WANTED for Battle of the Bands show. Can you rock a crowd? Can you rhyme a word with another word? Email phelpsmp.

PARLATE ITALIANO? Dimentico più ogni giorno, ma non voglio. Per favore, parliamo! Il gelato mi manca. gutmannb

TOOK A picture that you like? Want it copied 2000 times? Send me your favorites for the yearbook. goffb

I'LL GIVE you some money for a lightbulb; the store is far. muzzic

NON- CANNIBAL, non-vampire roomie for fall term 2008 needed. Must be willing to leave for winter term 2008. Contact mccartya

DO YOU own a cute fuzzy koala we can borrow for our concert (8th week)? Repayment in the form of chocolate! deeterm

MANSERVANT. 3-4 years experience required. Sailing experience a plus. Must be able to select appropriate three piece suit according to weather. kennedyr

FROG FRIENDS need home! I can't take them home with me. Free to a good home, includes tank and all amenities. Email sweetnas.

TRUSTWORTHY FISHKEEPER. I have one heck of a goldfish named Beethoven who would love to shack up with you fall term. schillie

FISH/AQUATIC -minded mammal for swimming third of triathlon team (tri is Thursday). Email barrettm if interested.

Comps season rolled on, for those seniors not lucky enough to be all finished in the winter. Some of them (and some talks given by non-students) sound pretty cool:

BIOLOGY COMPS: Erica Nakajima, Overcoming escape mutants: the potential of RNA interference as a new HIV-1 therapy. 1:30pm, Hulings 120

CHEM COMPS: The Mystery of Photosynthesis "L and M battle it out to win the electron." Olin 141 @ 7:30pm.

MATH COLLOQUIUM: Colm Mulcahy, Spelman College, will speak at 3:30pm. In CMC 209 on "New Mathemagical Principles Applied to Card Tricks."

EARTH WEEK dinner: Join History/ENTS Prof George Vrtis for dinner at Greenhouse, 6:00- "Ecological Intimacy: What We Can Learn from Tree-Huggers".

CLAIRE PETTERSEN '00, engineer, U of W - Ice Cube, speaks about "Ice-Fishing for Neutrinos." Physics & Astronomy, 1:10-2:10pm, Olin 04

SOAN COMPS Presentation: Rhonda Chan, Lei 305, 5:30 pm. More than just a game: The Form, Existence and Development of Social Capital in MMORPGs.

CAMS COMPS: Andy Lauer presents "Some Films Are Better Than Others: Lyman Howe, Cultural Capital, Bringing the World to Northfield" 4:30pm, Scoville 102

One philosophy major tackled a tall order:

PHILOSOPHY COMPS presentation by Nik Olendzki, "Understanding Life and Death." 12-1pm, Leighton 304.

I don’t know what these ones mean, but they sound impressive:

PHILOSOPHY COMPS talk by Abraham Graber, "Procedural Reflective Equilibrium", 12-1pm, Leighton 304.

BIOLOGY DEPT Comps: Elizabeth Sasse, The Anti-Androgenic Fungicide Vinclozolin: Potential for Transgenerational Environmental Endocrine Disaster? 11:15, Hulings 120

BIOLOGY COMPS: Emma Meyer, "An inquiry into role of neural cell adhesion molecule & polysialylated form in mechanisms of depression/antidepressant treatment." 1:30pm, Hulings120

PHILOSOPHY COMPS presentation by Bessie Schwarz, "Human Evolution and Eco-Phenomenology in Wilderness Theory: A Modern Defense in the Idea of Wilderness." 12-1pm, Leighton 301.

ENGLISH COMPS: Alexis White, "A Room with a View: Narrating Intersubjectivity in Mrs. Dalloway". Common Time, Laird 211.

You’re going to need this comps after Mai Fete:

BIO DEPT Comps: Caroline Marsili, Alcohol-induced inhibition of nerogenesis in the highly plastic adolescent hippocampus. 1:30pm Hulings 120

The Cave ran an excellent series of ads for its Wednesday night coffee services:

COFFEE NIGHT is (de)caffeinated! You can have a latte and (not) sleep too! What better way to study? Cave, 8pm-midnight.

COFFEE NIGHT just keeps on rolling. It's like Blue Monday, but you can get a table & coffee only costs $1. Cave, 5pmâ€"1am.

COFFEE NIGHT, in case you have homework. Alternatively, come from Mai Fete and mix caffeine with beer. Cave, 8pm-midnight.

COFFEE NIGHT will take your Schillers. Now you can spend your laundry money on one dollar quesadillas, coffee, and beer. 8pm-12am, the Cave.

COFFEE NIGHT at the Cave, the perfect place to go when Mai Fete gets busted early or when the keg gets tapped. 8pm -12am

CAVE CAFE is back with cheap espresso. I mean, the beans are expensive, but we sell the finished product cheaply. 8pm - 12am

Carls had interesting things to sell, too:

NEED A haircut? Got holes in your jeans that need patching? Don't fret! Contact omanj to be nicely shorn or mended. Just $5 each.

DACOR SHORTY wetsuit - women's size 9/10. Good condition. Make me an offer. smorriso or x5594.

NEED 9 potatoes, 3/4 of an onion, and/or some celery? I don't! Purchased on March 25 from Econo. Free! Contact dreesej.

BRAND NEW Himilayan Institute ceramic Neti Pot and large bag of premium salt. Never used. Say goodbye to sinus problems! Fifteen bucks. jpaxton x4184

NERF WEAPONRY. 20-shot Wildfire and the big rocket launcher thing. $20 each or $30 together. snyderj

SELLING LOTS of home brewing equipment. Kettle, fermenters, etc. Email elyg for more info.

When you’re studying hard, things can go missing:

MY HEADPHONES disappeared at the end of last term. Shure E4C white and metal earbuds. Needed for survival. I will die. wolfft

ADAPTER/CHARGER/CAR CORD thing was in my mailbox (1556). Is it yours? I'm confused, and it's not just the Vicodin. Email danaj to claim.

LOST YOUR keys while sledding on Bell Hill? I found them in the mud. They've got a miniature light saber on them. falkt

ONECARD LOST in Cave Saturday night. Can't eat, sleep inside, or even print in the Libe. Please return; reward is undying gratitude. chubbcof

LOST WATERBOTTLE at Rec last week. White & red, says something like "climb climb climb eat sleep climb." I'm thirsty, please return to saperstb.

STOLEN: GUMBY. He's green. He's 6'4". The public demands his appearance at 4/18 Convo. You stole the responsibility too. selassid

YOU BORROWED my beloved mechanical pencil in Hulings and never gave it back! It holds a great deal of emotional value! Return to jensenk.

FOUND YOUR instrument on a fence by the bench overlooking Bell Field. Email draperk with description to claim.

ITINERANT DISC recovered from Lyman. CUT cards design, no name. Yours? kingsbuk

MAYBE I dropped it or something. Netflixed that Japanese movie "Kill!" and Netflix will kill me if I don't find! it soon. shaughnl

HEADLAMP FOUND in arb last week. Is it yours? Email wallingr with brandname or where it was found.

STILL LOOKING for my clear plastic nalgene with purple cap and brown holder. You don't want to die of plastic poisoning. I do. englishr

These entries appeared right next to each other on May 26. I hope they found each other:

LOST BLACK Sanyo flipphone with an avocado sticker on back, on the Baldspot on Wednesday the 21st. Says "Marc Robert" on the screen. monbouqm

FOUND: BLACK Sprint cell phone that says "Marc Robert" on its opening screen. To claim contact betcherh, 5703.

And here’s the stuff that just doesn’t fit anywhere else:

CLEANLINESS DIFFERENCE with your roommate? I'd like to film a room that's trashed on one side and tidy on the other. Email harrise. CHECK OUT what a Carleton alum is up to. Visit to see a card game that teaches you creative German insults.

YOU PUT "$ for wax" in my mailbox (1767) but it's not for me. Contact blanchak or just take it if its yours! GO

PAINTBALLING last Friday? My car isn't a target. Make it up to me with an hour of your time, clean your conscious. flynne

YOU STOLE the nut from my front bicycle wheel. On what planet is that okay? Please return to box 1406, no questions asked.

YOU STOLE my thin blue towel from Watson laundry. Contrary to public opinion, this is something I need. kagankad

SAYLES. TODAY. Midnight.

PSYCHOLOGY JOURNAL Club: Olin 103 during Common Time! Eat Erbert & Gerbert's and discuss our new article about the influence of subliminal smells.

MEET ME behind the outcrop, I'm a little boulder there. Learn more geology puns and Geo major info. Mudd 73, 8-10pm.

BECAUSE GEOLOGISTS have their schist together. Ha, get it? Mudd 73, 8-10pm. Learn more about the geo major/fall classes. nakatad or dettingm