Sharing the experiences of students who come from backgrounds underrepresented in science and math at Carleton is a cornerstone of the FOCUS program. Kayla Toney ’17 has embraced a truly interdisciplinary approach to science, creating their own Optics major (read more about their process here) and finding their place within both the art and physics department. However, this has not been an easy process as a minority student in STEM. Below you’ll find this seniors reflections on their struggles and growth while at Carleton and the way their identities intersect and interact with their academic path – and inspire for the future.
As I still grow and learn about my identities, many of the communities I am a part of do not change. STEM is one of them. I never really had to think about my black body in a predominately white academic institution before coming to college. My first thought about science was that science is science, nothing else, and you had to be really smart in order to study it. But thinking through my sexual identity, gender identity and even my learning disability, I found it hard to maintain this idea I had about science. I started to believe that I was not as smart as I thought I was. This self-doubt caused me think that I was not cut out for STEM due to my race. I don’t see many black people in physics, so I guess physics isn’t made for me. Absurd thinking right? But this is what I thought of my first few years in the STEM field.
My concerns got worse when I decided it was totally fine to be in art and in science. For some reason, people could not see me as both a scientist and an artist. This happens to this day, and it is heartbreaking. I was so distraught because I felt as if these two passions of mine were in contradiction with one another, forcing me to choose between science and art. I was fragile and sought validation from others in the STEM field. I thought I would find that validation at a physics conference dedicated to black scientists. Even then, when I told my fellow black community what I do at Carleton and what I plan on doing, they gave me a disgusted look and questioned me heavily on why I would do such a thing. From my own community! How could this have happened?
My anxiety did not stop there. The conference was during the time I came out as queer and did not consider myself part of the binary gender system. So those interactions I had at that conference made me question more about how I fit in the grand scheme of the STEM field, and I felt it got harder for me to be seen as a scientist when I realized more about myself.
But in every little situation, even the ones that question who we are or whether or not we belong, there is something to be learned. As I reflect on those particular situations, as I write this, as I look towards the future…I have to say…I needed this. I needed these difficult times and experiences to show me that even though I am a black queer person who uses multiple pronouns, I can be a scientist. Actually I AM a scientist. And I do not need anyone tell me otherwise. I learned that no one should label me, and we in the STEM field need to be more open to scientists who are not in the lab or in the classroom 24/7, 365 days a year. I do not think I would have changed my idea about the sciences on my own. I have to say that Deborah Gross, my FOCUS advisor (and I hope will be my advisor for life) has helped me develop my thoughts on science and how it connects outside of its own field.
Because of the support from her, from my friends, from my advisors Marty Baylor and Linda Rossi, and FOCUS for creating a space for everyone who is interested in the sciences, my experience in STEM has made me a much better human being and allowed me to accept myself for who I am. If I still had the same philosophy as I did in high school, I would have given up being part of the science community—a community I thoroughly enjoy, even though it took me a while to see myself in it. To conclude, the STEM community needs to change its overall message and public appearance. There is a lot of diversity in STEM, both in terms of identity and the types of science-related fields that exist. By continuing my work in the arts and sciences, I hope to inspire other Black, queer, alternative individuals to make STEM a more inclusive space.